if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
