I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
