how can u be prego again
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
