Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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