I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
