Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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