i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just had sex bonerless
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
