ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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