my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
