The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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