when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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