i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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