I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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