i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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