Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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