My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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