I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
