Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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