my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
