Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm bleeding and have questions
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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