Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
