i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
two words: eviction party
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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