remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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