I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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