Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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