I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize