also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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