6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
