I am midnight drunk by noon
my shit smells like andre
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Be still, my beating vagina.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
