There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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