how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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