how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I met the friendliest cop last night
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
