We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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