He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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