I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
