the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
