I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
