I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Randomize
