Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
