Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
