I didn't shave. On purpose
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
