a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
