Can Purell be used as lube?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
