So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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