I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
