Michael Bay diarrhea
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize