I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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