The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
