i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
