theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
