she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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