Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
