Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My feet surprised me
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