He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize